Long one makes it go: An open letter to drivers on Indiana 64

Dear drivers on Indiana 64 between the Wabash River and Princeton,

I hate you. I really do. In driver's ed, they should have taught you that there is such a thing as a gas pedal. They should have also taught you that it has many positions, not just two: on and off.

For those of you that prefer the off position, I hate to tell you, but the quarter mile long line of cars is not following you because they want your autograph. You're driving too slow. No, you do not have double vision. The speed limit is actually 55, not 5. I'm sure you believe that if the people following you wanted to pass you, they simply would. Of course, this is nearly impossible on a two lane blacktop with constant oncoming traffic. Just GO FASTER!

For those of you that prefer the on position, representing full throttle, pay some damn attention! Overtaking a quarter mile of traffic in one pass while oncoming traffic swerves wildly off the road to avoid you is not a good idea. Having three feet to spare in a potential head-on collision is not good enough. Personally, I don't care if you idiots kill yourselves, but if you're doing it while I'm in the oncoming lane, I do. The world will not end if you drop below 100 momentarily. USE SOME F***ING COMMON SENSE!

In closing, Indiana 64 drivers, get your heads out of your asses... you'll see the road better that way.

--
Big Cray: Accept No Substitute

A Call to the Lia Show that Would Never Air

Lia:	Hello, what's your name?
Cray:	Howdy Larry. My name's Cray.
Lia:	Hi Cray. It's Lia, actually. Where are you right now?
Cray:	Sorry Lou. I'm at Dana in Hennerson Kittuckey (spelled as pronounced by locals)
Lia:	Have you ever called in before?
Cray:	No, but I listen to your show every night...
Lia:	That's great...
Cray:	...but not by my own choice. Some jackass keeps changing the radio to a station that carries your show, WKDQ, which I think stands for We Kill Dykes & Queers... but that might just be Jon Prell. I think your show absolutely sucks. You play terrible music, you're annoying, and the people that normally call in seem to be idiots.
Lia:	Wow... umm, ok...
Cray:	...I mean, you have the uberpatriotic lemmings, the lovesick puppies, and the mildly retarded. You're their freakin' hero or something. It amazes me. I don't get it at all.
Lia:	Umm... thank you? Well, umm, thanks for calling in Cray, we'll be moving on later because we have Keith Urban...
Cray:	Oh, you mean how you pretend like you're interviewing someone that did a prerecorded interview? Yeah, that sucks balls too.
Lia:	Uhh...
Cray:	Oh, one more thing, can you play David Allan Coe's "The Rodeo Song?" Thanks bitch. I'm out.

--
Big Cray: Accept No Substitute