Are you ready for a career with Verizon Wireless?

So, you're out of work and desperate for a job? Why not consider working for the evil telco monopoly in town... or better yet, their wireless division? As a public service, I've put together this convenient primer (based on pictures from the Verizon Wireless Careers site) that will help you decide if you have what it takes to work for Verizon Wireless.

Opportunity!
Fresh out of rehab? Decided not to go to rehab after all? No problem!

As you can see from this lineup of employees, whether you're black,

Wassup?!?

white,

I can flyyyyyyyy!!!!!

an old lady,

I haven't been this high since that one night stand with Chester A. Arthur!

an indistinctly ethnic woman,

Whoa! Hey you! Look at my hand. It's totally trippy!

a nerdy homosexual,

I'm this gay!

an indistinctly ethnic man,

I'm a little teapot, short and stout...

or Samoa Joe,

Even Verizon Wireless books me better than TNA!

as long as you're wasted, Verizon Wireless wants you!

Benefits
There are some definite benefits to working for Verizon Wireless. For one, you get to replace your sucky phone with an awesome company upgrade. With a choice of a 27 inch screen

It fits conveniently in the bed of my truck!

or a 72 inch screen,

Screw the iPhone! I have the big screen ][ePhone!

you'll wonder how you ever got by with your previous puny offering.

Work Environment
Tired of cubicles? If so, this is the job for you! Instead of cubicles, Verizon Wireless employees work from inside trash cans turned on their sides.

Verizon Wireless treats employees just like their customers!

Whether you grew up a hobo or idolized Oscar the Grouch, you will feel right at home working for Verizon Wireless.

Break Time!
Of course, Verizon Wireless understands how stressful a day of work can be, even working for Verizon Wireless. That's why employees aren't given boring normal breaks like at other companies. Like video games? If so, then you will spend your break living a life size version of one!

Leonard enjoys a rousing round of "Super Mario Brotha"

Just make sure you are back at your trash can by the end of break time. You wouldn't want to be subjected to disciplinary action.

Disciplinary Action
A few bad apples can spoil the bunch, so Verizon Wireless works very hard to discipline those bad apples to make the work experience more enjoyable for those employees that follow the rules.

When given bad apples, make applesauce!

The employee handbook (available in convenient 72lb paperback) outlines everything you'll need to know.

Scot learns a valuable lesson about forgetting to call the boss "Captain Super Awesome" on 5 minute intervals.

With all that sticky business out of the way, it's time to get to work!

I hope you've found this primer very useful and that you enjoy your career with Verizon Wireless.

--
Big Cray: Accept No Substitute

And now to piss off the smokers...

I really wanted to stay out of this debate, but I've heard so much complete idiocy on this subject that I just could not avoid it any longer. The idiocy I've heard from the smokers' camp has made something painfully clear:

The vast majority of smokers are unreasonable, self-centered assholes.

Was that harsh? Perhaps, but it seems to be the only real conclusion I can come to. Despite what smokers may think, smoking in a closed, public place is not a civil liberty. If it were, the following would also be civil liberties that one could legally do in bars:

• Start trash fires


• Defecate on the grill


• Replace the grease in the deep fryer with 10W-40


• Replace the waiter's pepper with lead shavings


• Shove asbestos ceiling tiles into running oscillating fans


• Ejaculate on random patrons


• Ejaculate on the waiter


• Ejaculate into running oscillating fans


• Defecate into running oscillating fans


• Ejaculate in the deep fryer


• Ejaculate on the grill


• Shove random patrons into running oscillating fans


• Start random patron fires

I think you get the point. Each of these things will get you arrested. Some of them are even less harmful to other people in the bar than smoking around them. So, to conclude, I'll make this very simple:

If your actions are harming or endangering others, there are grounds to ban them. Get your head out of your ass.

(Hear that, people who use cellular phones while driving?)

--
Big Cray: Accept No Substitute