101 Reasons to Ridicule EarthLink

I always love to get that little bit of insight into the way a company views their customers. This view is usually well hidden, but occasionally it can be discovered by careful examination of advertising. Previously, I've caught onto Verizon and HP's views of their customers as losers and idiots respectively. Surely these were isolated cases. There can't be more companies that reveal their views of their customers via advertising... can there?

Last week, I received a piece of standard junk mail from EarthLink. My first instinct was to unceremoniously throw it in the burn barrel (sorry, hippies) and move on with my day. However, I had five minutes to blow, so I decided to read the 101 REASONS TO SIGN UP WITH EARTHLINK. I really expected to see actual reasons, but instead was greeted with a barrage of idiocy. Granted, there were a few serious reasons, but for the most part, it seemed to be attempting to ridicule the competition (which is fine for advertising) and the potential customer (which is not fine for advertising!). Or, perhaps they just could not come up with 101 legitimate reasons to sign up with EarthLink. I know I sure as hell can't.

Regardless, here is the list that they came up with, along with my analysis. (Note: No, I'm not going crazy with the colors. I'm using the exact same coloring they used in their advertising.)

 1. Surf safely and securely with EarthLink Protection Control Center™ 
Ok, nice start. Push your branding. I have no beef with this.

 2. 8 email addresses, each with 100MB of free storage 
Free storage? Aren't you paying for EarthLink service? Therefore, aren't you paying for the storage? Saying it's free storage is like saying I got a free engine when I bought my truck. Also, 8 addresses with 100MB storage each? Free web based email services offer 2GB plus for every account anymore. You couldn't even get a single GB out of all 8 of your EarthLink addresses combined.

 3. Surf up to 5x faster than regular Dial-Up with EarthLink Accelerator 
...and look how ugly your 24 bit pictures look in 16 colors! For anyone who doesn't know, dial-up accelerators don't accelerate anything. They simply utilize a proxy to lower the bit depth of all images you download. These lower quality images take less time to download, so, in theory, you surf faster. However, if you surf on sites with no images or want to download anything, you're out of luck. You're stuck at normal speed (possibly slower due to proxy overhead). In addition to this, the accelerator software is eating away system resources. So, is this a reason to sign up with EarthLink? No.

 4. Our orange color goes with the shag carpet in your basement 
Here's where things start to get stupid. The image of orange shag carpet in a basement makes me think of potheads who never had the initiative to get a job, so they just sit down there and play video games all day. I have a feeling that's the image EarthLink sees too.

 5. You'll save enough money to replace the orange carpet in your basement 
So, I guess that invalidates reason 4, eh? Without the orange carpet, why sign up with an ISP that has orange coloring? Actually, I think reason 5 is the invalid one. Save money? After the introductory period, the rate goes to $21.95 a month... for dial-up... in 2007. What are they smoking?

 6. Free 24/7 Customer Support 
Well, I hope so. I guess this is in contrast to EarthLink owned PeoplePC's 900 number customer support.

 7. Easy Switch software 
...because ISP software further intruding into my system is exactly what I wanted!

 8. WebLife™ Easily store, organize, and share your digital life, safely and securely, with 1GB of your own online space-FREE! 
Ok, is this supposed to be like an Xdrive, or is it just standard space for web hosting? Either way, there's no "easy" about transferring a GB of data using dial-up.

 9. Online account maintenance 
Seems reasonable. Perhaps they are done with stupid reasons...

 10. We have nothing to do with gazillionaire heiresses 
...never mind. I don't know if I should make fun of them for shunning a group which is incredibly wealthy (of course, if you're rich, you wouldn't want their crappy dial-up anyway) or for using the word "gazillionaire." F***tards.

 11. More email storage space 
They mentioned the email storage space in reason 2, and I already pointed out then that it is most certainly not "more."

 12. Online Support Chat 
Oh yeah, that always goes well. It seems that every time I talk to someone through one of those support chats, I spend the first five minutes testing the waters to see if it is really a bot or if the person on the other end just has tons of canned messages macroed up for quick delivery. Furthermore, seeing as it is an ISP, what good does Online Support chat do? If your problem is that your connection is down, you can't get online to use this feature!

 13. Easy 3-step setup 
Pay, attempt to use, ask for money back? Wait... that's PeoplePC.

 14. More nationwide access numbers 
There's a decent reason! Have they got more?

 15. Multiple billing options available 
Much better than PeoplePC's sole option: "we're going to take your money whether you like it or not!"

 16. EarthLink Security Center 
Ok. I guess I can let that pass...

 17. Our internet connections are more reliable than your best friend 
What a f***ing asshole thing to say! Their connections are far from rock solid. If my best friend was as unreliable as an EarthLink connection, then I would be looking for new friends. I guess EarthLink just thinks their potential customers can't form meaningful friendships with people that aren't going to screw them over. Once again... f***ing assholes!

 18. We're award winning 
So is PeoplePC (and not just the award I gave them).

 19. Keep your personal email address private, with up to 10 anonymous email addresses 
Say what? Earlier they said you get 8. Now they say 10. Are these different? Are they purely web based with no POP access? If so, how is it better than other services such as Gmail? Seeing as your 8 main addresses only have 100MB each, how much could the anonymous cheapies have? This reason is stupid for so many reasons.

 20. Our service works equally well in Red and Blue states 
F***tards...

 21. Worry-free surfing 
It's uneducated people surfing "worry-free" with subpar protection that spread viruses and get infected with spyware. EarthLink just called you uneducated.

 22. Spyware Blocker 
To protect stupid people from downloading random applications they found via a pop-up...

 23. ScamBlocker 
To protect stupid people from putting their bank account number and pin into a random site because it simply asked for them...

 24. spamBlocker 
To protect stupid people who can't differentiate a message from "Mom" and a message from "jhglhgl48598@herbalviagrasolutions.ng."

 25. Privacy Tools 
Is this getting redundant? Isn't privacy the thing the last three are protecting?

 26. Virus Blocker 
To protect stupid people who normally surf without any antivirus protection.

 27. Pop-Up Blocker 
Don't most browsers have this feature built in now? What does having an extra pop-up blocker do then? It adds another ugly toolbar, of course!

 28. Parental Controls 
To protect children of stupid, lazy people who let kids surf the internet unsupervised.

 29. The eLink™ newsletter 
Well, I guess the spamBlocker doesn't work after all.

 30. The L in EarthLink is always capitalized 
...and EarthLink's spelling fetish matters because?

 31. Email search as fast as you type 
...if you type one word per minute and take frequent coffee breaks between sentences...

 32. All-star performance-and steroid free! 
F***ing f***tards...

 33. EarthLink Member Center 
Or, as it is known on the street, Purgatory.

 34. That one reason on the cover-it's pretty powerful! 
The introductory rate of $9.95/month that doubles (plus a few bucks) after the first six months? Nah, that certainly couldn't be it... It must be the "U.S. Postage Paid" part. I don't get how that's powerful...

 35. EarthLink News Channel 
This just in... that's not unique, f***tards.

 36. Exclusive Web content 
Really? What is it? Honestly, what unique content? It better be the specs for a nuclear reactor for what they want you to pay.

 37. Sports News 
*sigh* If only ESPN had their own website...

 38. Customized local news and weather on your Web page 
*sigh* If only my local newspaper and TV stations had their own websites... wait, on "your Web page?" F***tards!

 39. Our founder's name is Sky Dayton (How cool is that!) 
Uh... not? Also, traditionally, questions end with a question mark. Finally, isn't the "how cool is that" line stolen from the HughesNet commercials? How lame is that?

 40. Special deals on "way too cool to be called a cell phone" Helio™ 
Cross marketing passed off as a special deal. Ram it to the customer from both ends. F***ing assholes.

 41. Online Security Tips 
Because this information is so highly secretive and heavily guarded. If only the government would declassify it...

 42. Our Dial-Up tone sounds cool 
How many pounds of marijuana went into the creation of this mailer?

 43. Access your email from any PC with Web Mail 
You mean... like Hotmail... or Gmail... or Yahoo Mail... or any of the thousand other webmail providers? No, of course not like them! They're all FREE!

 44. Our customer support people are some of the most helpful in the business 
Right...

 45. Pay your bills online 
This crap is getting tedious. Is this to trick people who have never used the internet before into thinking EarthLink is the only game in town that can do very basic things?

 46. A lot less junk email 
So, now they've done away with the eLink™ newsletter?

 47. No butterflies or silly running-guy characters 
Of course! You can't have that kind of crap! You wouldn't want a freakish blue stick figure like PeoplePC has either or a stupid little orange circle being orbited by a white period... oh, wait, that's EarthLink. Never mind.

 48. EarthLink Toolbar® 
Wonderful. More trash to clutter up the browser. Way to go, f***tards!

 49. You get the most FREE features 
...despite the fact you're paying a monthly fee for them, so they're not actually free. Judging from their list so far, I think the less features related to EarthLink I have, the better.

 50. Special Partner Offers 
Ah, there we go. The truth finally comes out. EarthLink thinks of their customers as "special" and refers to them as "partner" (because we all know retards love to play cowboys and Indians). F***ing assholes!

 51. Free TotalAccess® software, the easiest way to set up your Internet connection  
...because all users are idiots. Gotcha EarthLink.

 52. TotalAccess® for Mac too 
...because Mac users aren't just normal stupid... they are exceptionally stupid. Gotcha again, EarthLink.

 53. Online tutorials 
This list was a bad idea. I'm getting brain damage at this point. What if the users are as dumb as EarthLink has made them out to be? Then they'll never be smart enough to get online to read the tutorials!

 54. The Earthling blog 
So, EarthLink has the only blog on Earth? What the f*** am I writing? (This list is making me crazy... please excuse my descent into madness)

 55. Email support with Help@EarthLink 
SHUT THE F*** UP! YOU ARE NOT UNIQUE! EVERYONE HAS F***ING EMAIL SUPPORT YOU EVER LOVING F***TARDS!

 56. myEarthLink Radio Free, unlimited listening with no software to download 
This is a cruel joke. Offering streaming radio to dial-up users... F***ing assholes!

 57. Members-only savings 
Ugh... AFTER YOU OVERPAY FOR THE F***ING SERVICE! This is getting so tedious, time to speed this up...

 58. EarthLink Rewards Visa® Card 
F*** you!

 59. Our Dial-Up is gluten free 
F*** you, f***tards!

 60. Use the enclosed CD as a Frisbee 
Planned on it...

 61. myEarthLink, your personal gateway to the Internet 
...if I was a f***tard...

 62. Our geeks are smart 
...er than anyone who would actually buy this service after reading this mailer...

 63. EarthLink Internet Call Waiting Screen calls and retrieve messages while you're online. Go online for your FREE 30-day trial! 
The first fairly usable feature they actually offer, and it's only a f***ing 30-day trial! F***ing assholes!

 64. Bull market or bear market, our Dial-Up is always affordable 
...f*** f***ity f*** f***in' f***tards...

 65. Admit it-EarthLink is a cool name 
No. Admit it. You want to suck my balls.

 66. We're not AOL! 
True. You're not. Well played.

 67. We're the Dial-Up experts 
No... you're not...

 68. We're more fun than the stiffs at MSN 
What kind of fun are you talking about? Refer to my question about marijuana earlier...

 69. Come on, 5,000,000 EarthLink members can't be wrong! 
Yes, they can. More than 5,000,000 people voted for George W. Bush. Large groups of people can do incredibly stupid things and be very, very wrong. Numbers don't justify s***.

 70. Start a blog about your dog Rufus 
How about you suck my left nut, ironically also named Rufus?

 71. Our HQ is in ATL 
...f***ity f*** f***ing f***ity f*** f***ity f*** f*** f*** F***ITY F***TARDS!

 72. Yes, our world does revolve around you 
...waiting for an opening to take more money...

 73. Two words: faster surfing (Kowabunga!) 
First, bulls***. Second, f***ing f***tards! Finally, damn, I don't think I'm going to make it through this list!

 74. myEarthLink Reader 
Great, now they don't think the user can READ! F***ing assholes!

 75. EarthLink Orange makes you think of sunshine and good health 
...as the darkness and plague of EarthLink slowly descends upon you...

 76. We live and breathe this stuff 24/7 
They are, or course, referring to pot smoke.

 77. Show the world pictures of your gnome collection 
That's gotta be some strong weed!

 78. Meet your future spouse online! 
...assuming they are not an EarthLink user. F***tards shouldn't mate with other f***tards. It just makes more f***tards.

 79. EarthLink WiFi™-bigger than any rock band rolling across the U.S.! 
Wait... I thought they were selling Dial-Up... when did they change the service they were selling?

 80. Even if you sing badly, we'll never be mean to you 
That was pretty mean.

 81. This mailer doubles as a pup tent for your pet slug 
...F*** f***ity... I'm f***ing tired of this s***...

 82. Put a chain around the CD, wear it as bling 
Yes, we must piss off the "hood," mustn't we EarthLink? Got any bagel jokes while you're at it? You haven't attacked the Jews yet!

 83. Because we look great in a swimsuit 
You ran out of pot and went to meth, eh?

 84. PC Fine Tune,optimize your PC's performance and improve its speed. FREE 30-day trial at earthlink.net/software/pcfinetune/ 
Oh good! The ISP wants to put even more s*** on customer machines! What's your "Fine Tune" do, EarthLink? Empty the temporary internet files?

 85. We've got our own podcast! 
I hate you EarthLink. You seriously suck.

 86. Heck, we were the first to bring the annual White House Easter Egg Roll to the Internet 
I'd like to speak for the world if I may: WHO GIVES A F***?

 87. Check your favorite sports scores whenever you want 
YOU'VE SAID THIS! I MADE FUN OF IT! F*** YOU! WILL THIS LIST NEVER END?

 88. EarthLink Personal Start Page 
You f***tards are no Google.

 89. You'll never see us sweat 
...but, at this point, I'd love to see you bleed...

 90. Protection Control Center featuring Attack Shield, the pre-emptive strike against unknown viruses and spyware threats. Go to www.earthlink.net for your FREE 30-day trial 
More trial-only crap? F***ing assholes!

 91. You'll stop receiving these CD mailings 
LIARS! You'll still send them!

 92. We will never call you Wilbur (unless that is your name) 
I guess there's no Mr. Ed fantasies with EarthLink (of course, of course)

 93. We are AIM compatible 
Wasn't AOL thoroughly trashed earlier in this list? Now they are sucking up to AIM? F***ing turncoats!

 94. We will never abandon you on a magical, deserted island with the others 
But I WANTED to go to the magical deserted island! It's friggin' magical!

 95. Our Core Values and Beliefs 
Values: Whatever they can make you pay
Beliefs: You're dumb enough to pay it

 96. We use only the finest ingredients 
...in their meth...

 97. Our privacy policy is very public www.earthlink.net/about/policies/privacy 
Meh...

 98. You can surf in the wintertime even if you live in (insert a really cold place here) 
Ok, fine... PLUTO! Not so smug now, are we EarthTards?

 99. Hours and hours of fun for the whole family 
Note: That's the load time for one MySpace page.

 100. Great Referral rewards 
One of us... one of us...

 101. EarthLink Premium Dial-Up 
Yeah yeah yeah, F*** off.


Damn, that was exhausting. Remind me never to do anything like that again. What was my point? I forget. F*** this. I'm done.

--
Big Cray: Accept No Substitute